Today I had an argument with someone and I found myself in a moment of clarity. I was arguing about what this person wasn't doing for me, how I fucking hate New York because I can't walk a block without my lungs hurting from smokers, the cold, and shit that I am forced to breathe while in the subway. (Ride the subway and then blow your nose, you will see what I mean), I was pissed at how I couldn't just live the life that I want to live and I was blaming this person, who does act selfishly and lacks respect for others in a nutty professor kind of way. Then I realized I was totally projecting everything I hated about myself onto him. I was highlighting all the qualities that he had that drove me crazy and I realized all of these things were present in me.

I started to think why I didn't just get up and do what I need to do for myself. Why I let myself fall into the trap as seen on Oprah of putting others first in order to not take responsibility for my own life in order to most certainly promise myself that I will have the moment that I dread where I am 40 and wake up hysterically crying in my sleep because I have wasted my life. I have become a bitter, miserable mess of a woman that is emotionally, financially, and spiritually dependent on everyone around her in order to feel some kind of fulfillment or self worth. I will be angry all of the time and everyone I come in contact with will hate me or at least feel slightly dirty from all of the negative vibes that I exude.

The truth is I have built a cage for myself. I could probably blame society for telling me what I should be, for setting unequivocally high expectations which I can never achieve. But that only gets you so far. Once you realize the fucked-upedness of society you are on your own. It's up to you to take the wheel and handle your business. I built a cage of negative thought patterns and excuses and now, even if the cage door swung open, I doubt I would fly away. Where would I go? What would I do? The thought of soaring through the skies solo is a beautiful dream, but in reality it is way too scary. I could fail, but worse, I could succeed. And then what? That would disappoint a lot of people and I would never hear the end of it. I have this neat little negative cocoon built around me, filled with the voices of people that stand around and wait to knock me down to size. I could break through that barrier and tell my cocoon to go fuck itself, but like any addictive force they keep me from really having to try. Its a reciprocal arrangement. They feed me and I feed them. And nobody is every truly satisfied.

What if there is no "over the rainbow" just more rain clouds? Do you settle for the storms you know or charter new waters and hope for the best?

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