Today I am home waiting for my bathroom ceiling to cave in because their is a horrible leak from the upstairs shower and the staff of my co-op apparently don't think it is as much of an emergency as I do. Is it bad when the ceiling starts dripping and gets mushy?

Anyway, I welcome the time off from my shitty job because I have to say, I hate it there with an intense passion I often reserve for Hitler or those OnStar radio commercials that make me bawl like a baby. There is only just so much one person can take. Since being a receptionist isn't my career, I feel that as a day job I should be able to come in, do my work and then leave with enough energy and time to do the things I really want to do with my life. This job doesn't permit that. I am surrounded by negative people that suck the positivity out of me. I don't want to say they are ignorant either because really they are not. They just choose the path of least resistance at that moment without foresight into the potential outcome from their actions or inactions. It then creates something to complain about and like Garbage sang, they are "Only happy when it rains."

that's not me. I wonder if the nature of this blog might make me seem like a negative person when really I am quite positive. I like to help people because it makes me feel good. I like to look for solutions and to do things in an organized way. This is not rewarded when you work for a corporation because then everyone wants to know who you are trying to impress, why you think you are better than everyone or they get you to do all of the work while they take all of the credit. It's utter bullshit.

This is not a long rant on how much I hate my job. I know I am lucky to have one to hate. I am actually perplexed on whether I should stay or if I should quit. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth and I have to work for a paycheck. But I don't want to be a person that drags their feet to work just to make a buck. I want to enjoy my life to. I don't know if that's possible. I don't know anyone who truly loves their job. It is work after all. There has to be a better way of looking back on these years and not feeling like I have wasted myself and my talents on a company that wasn't worthy of me in the first place. I know a lot of people in their twenties that are coming up against this brick wall. I have written previously about it. I am not afraid of working hard, I am afraid of hating my life and myself and becoming trapped. I am afraid of having low expectations. I am afraid that I will start to look at companies that offer health insurance that take up half of my paycheck and think that its okay. I am afraid that I will lose the fight that MAKES me hate this job because I have settled into the routine, into the monotony, into the depression. I am afraid that this life will have meant nothing to anybody including me.

I haven't decided if this fear is more comfortable than the fear of taking a chance and letting fate decide. It's easy to settle for the crappy jobs that one knows will be horrible because it is the path I know. To do what I love, to try to succeed and possibly fail even though success is scarier to me, it makes my head spin. Some might say, well with all that is going on in the world how can she possibly be so preoccupied with something so trivial. Well, because if I am not happy and confident in what I do, how can I possibly effect change in the world? How can I face people when I am miserable and tell them to rise up and break the chains that bind them when I am bound like a slave to an immovable boulder, trying to carry it up a mountain. How can I save others when I cannot save myself? The toxicity of my environment will kill my spirit and then I will become part of the apathetic masses that stare at their televisions simultaneously numbing themselves and praying to feel something, anything, just to remember what it felt like to be alive again.

In closing, I would like to leave you with the warning that the elections might be postponed in case of another terrorist attack. What this tells you is that President Bush is planning to go on vacation around October/November and hope for the best. US Mulls How To Delay November Vote In Case Of Attack

P.S. I am going to see Prince in concert tonight!

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